I jinxed myself

I guess my getting better post came a little soon. Yesterday was not only my highly anticipated freshman corruption day, it was also the day I was visited with the fairy of womanhood so I had cramps on this joyous occasion. The freshman pooped out on us, mostly because of the poop that little julian pushed out of that sassy mouth of his. Fiona, Robyn, Miranda and I spent an exciting day in Burlington without those god damn boys. We went to Applebees, shopping and scaring the shit out of Fiona when Robyn asked what time it was. I said 1:16 and she pulled over and we all started screaming to get out the car, we accomplished an old fashioned Chinese fire drill, with me taking the wheel and Fiona flipping out even more. Glorious a time that was. Anyways, bad things began when I was frightened by a certain football player... you know who you are, and the sudden startle gave me an asthma attack. It took a while but the inhaler kicked in and I thought the worst was over. My attack came back 15 minutes or so later with full force, and the inhaler was not working. Robyn pushed me to agree to go to the ER, and Kathy called 911 and my parents were called as well. Kathy knew enough about me to fill in the people that came with the ambulance, so thankfully I didn't have to talk, because when you can't breathe talking is a challenge. Robyn followed the ambulance with my stuff, and my dad met us there. The ambulance as wicked bumpy, and I was on oxygen but thankfully not too scared. The doctor said I had bronchitis, but I think hes wrong even though my throat hurts like hell, and that bothers me because I got "In the Heights" and not singing along with the new songs is killing me.

Getting Better

I am getting a lot better. For once, I am happy with myself and the way my life is going. I do not need a man to make me happy as I once thought. I needed to make myself happy before I tried to be happy with someone else. Any relationship I have right now can only end well because of the way I feel today. Enough with the happiness and smiles though, I have to go to school soon, and I'm really cold and tired. I don't like being cold. Not at all.

My Wig

I got a wig for guys and dolls. Its wonderful. Also, practice yesterday was fun. I was humped, I haven't been humped in a couple months... it was nice. Thats all I have to say.

MEN

1. Nice men are ugly.

2. Handsome men are not nice.

3. Men who are both nice and handsome are gay.

4. Men who are handsome, nice, and heterosexual are

married.

5. Men who are not so handsome, but are

nice men, have no money.

6. Men who are not so handsome, but are

nice men with money think we are only after their

money.

7. Handsome men without money are after

our money.

8. Handsome men, who are not so nice and

are somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are

beautiful enough.

9. Men who think we are beautiful, that

are heterosexual, somewhat nice and somewhat

handsome,

and have money, are cowards.

10. Men who are somewhat handsome,

somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are

heterosexual,are shy and

NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!

11. Men who never make the first move,

automatically lose interest in us when we take the

initiative.

AND THEY SAY WOMEN ARE HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!

Belly Buttons and Freshman

I am excited for a Friday night in, and I plan on sleeping for a lot of it. The new combination of anti depressants, anti anxiety, and sleeping medications are throwing me for a loop. Sometimes I wish doctors did more with chemistry, because I take 14 pills a night, and the effect they have together must be harder to figure out than rocket science. I am also really excited about this outing corrupting the freshman boys in Guys and Dolls. On this outing I intend to be the worst influence possible, and have fun doing it. I am also currently trying to convince my mom to let me get my belly button pierced. I want to get something pierced, and my nose has a lot of issues, and all other things freak me out. I want to get my eyebrow pierced someday, and I would also like to get a tattoo. Anyways , Robyn is getting her nose done on freshman corruption day and I hope to get consent from my mother. Leading these boys into a tattoo parlor is going to be hilarious, because at first they won't know whats going on. Miranda will also b a laugh because shes a skittish person when it comes to needles and sterility.

Take Back Your Crack...

Robyn got a blog. This made me think I am not a total looser for having a blog... her blog address is something about crack. What? you want me to say crack again?? CRACK.

He Hath Been Deleted

I don't like the idea of Coti and I being friends on facebook since he treats me like shit in real life. Plus, giving him the option of checking up on me via facebook is something I do not want him doing. It does not matter if he does it or not. So... there it is.

Tuna

I am in my tye dye longjohn onesie eating tuna and watching a documentary on hippies... life be good.

OH MY

So... I am currently typing in unsafe conditions. I did not sleep at all last night. Robyn Miranda and I pulled an all nighter. WE WERE NOT DRINKING WE WERE NOT ON DRUGS OR EVEN MORE THAN 8OZ OF SODA, but we still felt compelled to do it. Miranda the expected poop, pooped less than expected having only slept for an hour, Robyn slept for 20 minutes the next morning while we were watching nanny 911, and I won sleeping for less than 5 minutes at a time in the office betwixt the hours of 1:30 and 2:30...ok thats only one hour. DO YOU REALIZE HOW DANGEROUS TYPING WHEN YOU DID NOT SLEEP IS? I AM OVERUSING THE CAPS!!!

Drama drama drama today at practice. I'll talk about it later. The notable happening of today is how the football tribe made me feel like I'm not a piece of shit, and offered to sort of "kick ass" on my part. It started when I was nagging Coti about giving me my stuff back. Vajna was like "you dated him?" I said "yeah we were engaged for the good part of a year" He, or one of the other three football players was inquiring as to why I didn't get my stuff back yet, and I said he either forgets or hes too lazy. Then of course the what happened talk came bout', and I said "I thought things were going good, then all of a sudden he was just freaking out and saying that it was all a lie, and three weeks later he's already dating" They were just like wow what an asshole.

You seriously don't get how this makes me feel right now. Having men admit that one of their own is a dick is huge for me, it makes me feel like I'm not a piece of trash to shove around, and I deserve to keep a part of myself no matter what I did. If jocky guys thing you are being an asshole... need I say more?

Stereo types aside, these football people really made me learn a lot. I never want them to know it because it seems really weird, but I learned a lot about jocks, or what I thought they were, I learned about myself, and I learned how wonderful theatre can be. When a jock that has no romantic interest in you offers to go to my ex's house and get my stuff it just makes me feel worth something for the first time in a LONG LONG time.

Enemies?

I guess I have a lot of people who hate me. I don't notice probably because I don't care, and I have a lot of other friends that love me. This whole thing came out of an argument with Coti of course, because anything that is negatively said about me can be traced back to him... Do the math. He is all pissed about a warning message I sent to his naive new girlfriend because shes acting just the way I did when Coti and I began our relationship. He's going into this thing with good intentions, but as soon as she starts annoying him, or pushing for the truth in any instance, hes going to treat her like shit and bolt as soon as he can't cover the lies anymore. Poor Andrea will be heartbroken. I don't have the heart to say things like " the only reason he asked you out is to feel less like an asshole, and he knew you would say yes" its true but I'm not that heartless. Poor thing though, she wouldn't believe me, shes going to believe his cowardly way of dealing with his past and making up things that once again make him feel like less of an asshole.
I wouldn't wish my pain from my engagement breaking off on my worst enemy. I can't hear his name without either crying or saying something mean about him. One minute he's saying I love you muffin at every opportunity, the next I'm a mistake and a looser. Andrea doesn't think it will happen to her and neither did I.
Coti needs to get out of my life. I want my apology, my dignity, my shit, and my virginity back. After that I want him gone. He's dating Andrea to piss me off, and he sits around in the office to piss me off. No one wants him in Masque, we don't need him and he does nothing but piss people off. I am done with listening to his lies about what people are saying about me, and I'm sorry we almost had a baby. He should just leave the girls alone, but of course he's too selfish to do that, and grow up and get his life together. I feel bad for Andrea, she doesn't have the confidence to realize his other relationship isn't over until he can be a man and end it to my face, and give him a few months to think about everything. It's better for both of them.

I won't apologize anymore. I do it over and over, and nothing fixes anything. I want an apology. I gave everything to him, and whenever I try to make things better he snaps at me, runs away or tells me lies about what has been said about me.
I want another chance. I want to fix things. I want to want to live.

I am bettering myself. I take my meds now, I go to counciling twice a week, and I have gone on a few dates. I did everything he asked me to do so we could fix things and I feel improved. Thats the last thing I'll say.

A Finely Woven Blanket

I feel a tribal instinct having these football players in my play. First things first, I never got along with the healthy and fit tribe. I do not understand their customs or speak their language, thus relating to them is a great challenge.
Masque, the way I see it is a very well woven blanket. Every thread is delicately placed. Some threads prettier and more important and loved than others, but Masque has to be exact. Adding these Freshman and football tribes is like trying to shove balls of yarn into our thread blanket. THERE ARE BALLS IN MY FACE!
Don't get me wrong, these baby faces Freshman boys, and the eye candy tossed to us from the field are much appreciated. The number of male threads left a hole in our blanket (ok, enough with the blanket shit). Interacting with football players almost destroyed this play for me. The assumption that they would stick together and be those jock stereo types which would then force me to cut them was the main thing.
They speak to me. This shocking fact scares me to the point where I have trouble sleeping. These athletes are not just regular guys, they are the one group of people I am truly afraid of. I spend my days either on my comfy stage or thinking about it. My comfort zone was the one place jock strap clad people feared to tread. Suddenly they invaded in large numbers. Here I stood knees shaking looking at the four boys who stepped over the line and into... Musical Theatre!!!
I accepted them. Those football players took their steps slowly, and did not assume high rank on the Masque totem pole like the Freshman tribe. Truth be told the athlete tribe saved Guys and Dolls. I am still fascinated by their rituals as I am sure mine fascinates them. They try, and its a hell of a lot better than most Masque men who assume greatness... you know who you are.

If I only had friends like this...

I was watching Sunny, and Imagining how amazing it would be to be in Sweet Dee's place on that show. Those guys are like my dream men, all crazy and stupid loosers but they are so damn cool. There has never been a cooler person than the insane looser that people are some how drawn to because of their stupidity. So again, what I was saying was how awesome (a word I use often) it would be to have best friends like those guys. You must have super duper self esteem to have that job, these boys are very insensitive and abusive, but that doesn't turn me off... Oh, to be her...

Energies...

I feel like I'm a bit weird sometimes. I have this thing where I can see and feel peoples energies. I can sense a persons personality straight off, and meeting new people sets my brain in such a tizzy that I hate doing it. Whenever I am forced to meet even three or four people I am exhausted. I heard that some people can sense people's aura's and such, and I don't usually see the color of someones aura, but if I am calm enough and there is a white background I do sense peoples colors.

My color is like an orangey yellow. I am not surprised by this, but would prefer a green... A lime green.

This whole energy thing is a bit of a quack in my opinion, but I can't do anything about it. I have a huge problem with new people joining my friends and I because then I have to adjust and its tiring ok? TIRING! I also hate freshman.

Its Always Sunny when I find a great new show.

It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia. My new favorite television show. Its amazing in one word, and I will be blogging about it often. So amazing in fact, that my first ever post will be about that and only that